


Flashback Memories

by Daisyith



Category: Hatfilms, The Yogscast
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, M/M, break-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:23:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7137788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyith/pseuds/Daisyith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When trying to get through life, Chris is reminded of events from his past. Will they always stay this way? Or can he solve his problems?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flashback Memories

Disturbing him from a deep slumber, Chris could feel the annoying warmth of sunshine spread across his face, seeping in from the gap between the curtains. With a groan, he stretched his arms backwards, relishing in the clicking that escaped his spine and the instant relief brought from the movement of his tired muscles. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking through the sleep haze and rubbing at the corners to remove the gunk that had built up there. He peered around the room, trying to locate himself in the unfamiliar surroundings. The white walls around him were not his own, the mattress beneath him was not of the same comfort he was used to and the body behind him was not usually present. Desperately, he tried to recall the events of the previous evening but through his alcohol induced headache that thumped in time with his heartbeat, his memories were left disjointed and fuzzy. He could remember leaving the house in the early hours, heading to the local pub and drinking at the bar. He could remember downing pint after pint, mixing it occasionally with a shot of something stronger. But it was after this that he struggled to understand what happened, unsure of who this man beside him was or whose house he was in.

Chris lifted the corner of the duvet beside him, wincing at the sudden change in temperature and sat upright, swinging his feet so that they rested against the coolness of the wooden floor. He lifted his hand, stifling a yawn behind the skin of his palm before turning to look at the mysterious figure. As expected, to Chris’ eyes, this was a stranger, someone he had never seen before. It always seemed to be this way, it made it easier to creep out the next morning without awkward conversations. His eyes fell on the exposed skin of his muscular chest, this was an attractive man. But it didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to stay around any longer than necessary. Spotting his clothing distributed around the room, Chris rose and gathered the items, picking his shirt from where it was slung over the chair in the corner, his boxer shorts from over the lampshade and his jeans from the doorway. Quickly, he dressed himself and headed out of the room, towards the front door, closing it quietly behind him. 

As Chris left the stranger's flat, he couldn’t help but feel slightly ashamed in his behaviour. Since Chris had moved to the city almost six months ago, it had become a regular occurrence as he tried to dull the ache in his chest, taking comfort in the arms of strangers. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, he couldn’t bring himself to bear the heartache involved with loving someone. He couldn’t suffer through the long months of crying himself to sleep again, the constant flood of memories every time he went somewhere. That’s why he moved away, just days after his breakup where his eyes had been permanently swollen, he began looking for a flat in the city, away from his childhood town. He loved the anonymity of the city, being able to walk through streets filled with new faces, never having to worry about spotting lives from his past. In a way, he was glad Alex wasn’t here to see him now, he would be repulsed by Chris’ current behaviour. But it was Alex that had left in the first place and Chris had been trying to forget about their time together ever since.

\----  
_Alex splayed his fingers across Chris’ cheeks, the skin a smooth and gentle contrast to his own. He cupped Chris’ face, holding it steady as he moved his thumb so that he could trace the shape of the other man’s lips. He moved closer, the distance between the two shrinking until Chris could feel the warm breath of the redhead tickling at his skin. They stayed still for a moment, neither quite ready to close the gap completely. But it was Alex who did. He dipped his head and placed his lips softly against Chris’, capturing them in their first kiss together. It stayed gentle at first before quickly moving into something passionate and intense, fuelled by the desire to feel the other and by the alcohol running through their bodies. Alex’s tongue sought out Chris’ lips, licking and sucking at his bottom lip, both enjoying the taste of the other. He brought the bottom lip between his teeth, tugging gently as if to ask Chris for entry who happily obliged. They continued for a few moments, limbs a tangled mess, bodies pressed close together, connected at the lips. Eventually, it was Chris who broke the kiss, pulling back slightly so that he could rest his forehead against Alex’s, a huge grin spread across his face…_  
\----

Chris lifted his fingers, gently tracing his mouth as he remembered the feel of Alex’s lips on his own and the way he was always left with a slight lingering taste of chocolate from the redhead. He brought his bottom lip between his teeth, biting with pressure on the skin until he could feel a metallic liquid seep onto his tongue. He was trying desperately to stop the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, not wanting to show vulnerability in the middle of the streets. After all this time, the pain was still fresh. He had tried so hard to block it out completely, to try and forget about it but it was impossible. Alex was the man he loved, the first man he ever loved and the last. Chris shook his head, trying to expel the memories from his mind and quickened his pace, walking faster back to his own flat. It took longer than he expected, unsure of his exact location after having exited the stranger’s flat but eventually, he pushed through his front door, relieved that he was finally in the privacy of his own home. He leant against the closed door, pausing for a moment as he took a shaky breath inwards. He didn’t have time for this, not when he was due at work in 30 minutes. A forced smile spread over his face as he pushed himself away from the door and headed into the bathroom. Chris stripped his clothes before turning on the shower to full power. He stepped beneath the steady stream of water and tilted his head backwards, letting the water pound against his skin until it left red marks from the intense heat. 

Once clean, Chris wrapped a towel around his damp body and headed into his bedroom. He spotted his suit jacket hanging against the door of his wardrobe, wrapped around a smart pair of trousers and a crisp, white buttoned shirt. He began to dress himself in his formal attire, a requirement of his job in a lawyer’s office. As much as he hated the restriction and uncomfortableness of these particular items, prefering his own choice of jeans and a t-shirt, Chris had no choice but to don them every morning as he headed towards work. Before leaving, Chris delved into his draw, pulling out a random tie and wrapping it around his neck. As his fingers moved over the material, he realised the red checked pattern was one gifted to him by Alex of all people. Already running late, Chris didn’t have time to replace the tie and so picked up his briefcase and left for the office, the thoughts of the redhead still on his mind.

\-------  
_With his head resting on Alex’s toned chest, Chris could hear the continuous beating of Alex’s heart, finding himself soothed by the constant sound. They were lying on the grass in their garden, the long strands of green tickling the exposed skin of Chris’ bare legs. Although it had been a warm day, Chris was now finding himself shivering against the cool winds of early evening. But he was happy, not wanting to disturb the peacefulness of the situation. To one side of the couple sat two plates, empty aside from the crumbs of food that littered the edges. They had been filled with delicious snacks, prepared by Alex as a surprise for Chris to enjoy upon arriving home from work. They had enjoyed the food, now finding their hunger pleasantly suppressed as the settled back into their embrace. Chris leant into Alex’s touch, enjoying the warmth of the other man’s body as his grip on Chris’ waist tightened and he was pulled closer to the redhead. With a happy smile on his face, Chris turned to look at Alex, “Thank you love…” He whispered softly, not wanting to disturb the peace and quiet of the situation._  
\---------

When Chris returned to his flat, the sky had been cast into darkness, the amber rays of sunshine having disappeared hours ago. He was exhausted, it had been an incredibly busy day and it had physically and mentally drained him. As he pushed his front door open, his fingers were already moving to loosen the tie from around his neck and untuck the bottom of his shirt from his smart trousers. He slipped the jacket over his arms, discarding it on the floor where he would pick it up later. Instead, he hurried through his flat before slumping against the black cushions on his sofa. He swung his feet up so that he was stretched across the length of the settee. It was comfortable beneath his tired body and he pulled his phone out from his pocket, scrolling through social media, catching up on the day’s events as he tried to cast his stresses from the day aside. After scrolling through for a while, he was interrupted by music that blared into the silence of his flat. He pressed the answer button and brought the phone to his ear, smiling as he saw the name read: Ross.

“Alright mate?” He queried, slight excitement in his voice. Ross was one of the only people from his past that he kept in regular contact with and Chris always enjoyed their catch-up phone calls together.

“Hey Chris, all good. I have something to tell you, are you sitting down?”

Concerned, Chris answered, “Yeah, something wrong?”

On the other end of the line, Chris could hear as Ross take a deep breath, “Don’t know how to put it mate but I thought you should know that Alex is moving to the city.”

Chris’ eyes widened in surprise, of all the possibilities, this was the one he least expected. He had moved here to escape his past, avoiding the one that broke his heart. But now, it seemed as though his past was catching up with him. 

“Chris, you still there mate?” Ross asked, pulling him from his thoughts.

“Y-Yeah… When’s he coming?”

“He’s moving in the next couple of days and starts a new job next week. Sorry to have to break it to Trottie, just thought you should know.”

“‘Course, thanks mate, glad you did.” Chris replied, hanging up the phone as he found himself once again lost in thought as images of Alex filled his mind.

 

\--------  
_Alex took Chris’ hand into his own, his calloused fingers moving gently as he traced small circles and spirals on the skin just above Chris’ thumb. He turned to look at the brunette, giving his hand a gentle squeeze as he whispered softly, “It’s alright Chris, y’know everything’s gonna be fine.” Despite the truth behind Alex’s words, Chris couldn’t help the butterflies that filled his stomach, sending shoots of anxiety across Chris’ body. He had a lump in his throat that he couldn’t get rid of and suddenly, his mouth felt incredibly dry. He coughed slightly, trying to gather enough saliva to lubricate his mouth before he began speaking to the two adults opposite him,_

_“Mum. Dad. I’m gay and I want you to meet my boyfriend Alex.” Chris mumbled quickly, gesturing towards Alex who was smiling reassuringly. Once finished, Chris diverted his gaze, dropping it to the floor as he awaited a response to his revelation. There were a few moments of silence that to Chris, seemed to drag out for an eternity before he felt a hand smaller than his own rest against his cheek,_

_“Oh Chrissy darling, we already know and we still love you. We’re so glad you found someone to make you happy.” His mother spoke softly as Chris turned to look at Alex, the nerves no longer filling his body. He allowed the corners of his mouth to turn upwards in a small smile, his mother was right, he had found someone to make him happy._  
\-----

Chris pushed the thoughts of the redhead aside as he rose and walked over to his collection of alcohol. There had been a time that Alex made him the happiest person on Earth. But that was a long time ago. Now, he was just left with an overwhelming desire to turn to alcohol to numb his pain. He lifted the bottle of whiskey to his lips, enjoying the burning sensation that spilled into his mouth. It was the perfect remedy to a horrible day. After pushing thoughts of Alex away for so long, the unexpected news had crumbled his wall and the emotions he was experiencing were like fresh wounds all over again. He poured the whiskey into a glass tumbler that his fingers expertly curled around, lifting it to his mouth again. He took his whiskey into the bedroom where he disrobed, throwing his smart clothing to the floor. He then climbed beneath the duvet and continued to drink his whiskey, feeling his worries disappear. But they didn’t stay gone for long as Chris’ phoned beeped, alerting him to a text message. As he lifted his phone, he spotted Alex’s name as the sender. When he opened the message, it read: I wanted to be the one to tell you Trott, I’m moving to the city. Can we meet for a coffee? I think we need to talk.

This day was turning out to be worse than Chris expected. He pushed his phone to the bedside table, ignoring the text message - he would deal with it in the morning. Chris laid his head against the soft cover to his pillow as his mind flooded to moment that destroyed it all: his relationship, his home and his life. 

\------------------  
_Alex’s fingers rested against his neck, massaging the skin in an attempt to calm himself. He was standing awkwardly in the doorway, unsure whether he should enter the room or not. Chris had just returned from work, looking forward to a nice quiet evening in front of the television where he could cast his worries aside and Alex hated to be the one to ruin his plans. He stepped forwards, “Chris.” He started, pausing to take a deep breath, “We need to talk.”_

_Noticing the serious tone to Alex’s words, Chris’ eyes darted from the screen to the man standing next to him. Concern filled his body as he spotted the unfamiliar frown that resided on the normally happy man and instantly, his mind travelled to the worst situations: Was someone ill? Had someone died?_

_Pulling him from his thoughts, Chris had his mental questions answered quickly and the answer was much worse than he anticipated, “I hate to do this to you Chris but I - I’ve found someone else. I didn’t mean for it to happen, it was when you were away on a business trip and I was feeling lonely but I think I love him Chris. I’m so sorry.”_

_Chris opened his mouth but no words could form. Had he heard it right? Was Alex really admitting that he was having an affair? Was Alex actually breaking up with him? He knew they’d had a few problems recently but he thought they’d been able to work through them but evidently not. “W-Who is it?” He asked, eventually being able to form the words._

_Alex shook his head, “You don’t want to know Chris, it’ll only make it worse.” And with that, Alex turned and headed out of the room to go and begin packing his possessions into a few bags. Chris, left in his position on the sofa, called out in a sad voice to Alex’s retreating figure, “I love you Alex, don’t go.” Chris wasn’t sure whether Alex had heard his words or not but it made no difference. As the tears fell from his eyes, Chris heard the front door shut behind the redhead._  
\------

When Chris awoke the next morning, he experienced temporary relief before the emotions from the previous evening came flooding back. He had been awake most of the night, tossing and turning in his bed as he found himself unable to slip into the deep slumber his body so desperately craved. He felt awful. His eyes felt swollen after having cried himself to sleep, he had purplish shadows cast underneath his eyes signifying his lack of sleep. His skin was pale and he had a thumping sensation running through his forehead. Despite all his thinking last night, he still didn’t know how to respond to Alex’s text message. Chris found himself slightly disappointed by the brevity of the message and the way he was addressed by just his surname. During their relationship, Alex had adopted a variety of nicknames for Chris: babe, love, sweetheart, little walrus, Chrissy. Never once had he been called Trott when they had been together. It was yet another reminder that they had drifted apart. 

Feeling like this, Chris knew he wasn’t in the right mindset to go into work today and so called in sick. He then took his phone and opened Alex’s message, reading it again. He knew he had to reply, had to agree to what Alex suggested. As much as he knew the situation would be awkward and uncomfortable, it would be worse to stumble upon the redhead when he least expected it. So, he exchanged a few texts with the redhead, each short and to the point. They agreed to meet later that evening for a drink at bar not too far from Chris, the brunette deciding that he would need alcohol if he was going to survive this encounter. 

After much deliberation, Chris finally settled on an outfit to wear that evening. He wanted something that showed Alex he was doing alright by himself but not that he was trying too hard. He decided on a smart button-up shirt, one that he would normally wear to work. For once, he didn’t wear it with the top button done-up or tucked into his trousers and instead of the smart clothing covering his lower half, he chose his skinny jeans and worn converse. After a shower, he dressed himself before moving to stand in front of the mirror. Seeing that his eyes were still puffy, Chris turned on the cold water tap and splashed it against his skin, hoping it would relieve the redness that surrounded them. He then moved to his hair, running his fingers through his messy hair, trying to smooth down the strands that stood upright. Once sorted, he moved onto his teeth where he brushed them using his battered toothbrush, ensuring he smelt minty fresh. Now dressed and ready, Chris headed out of his flat and towards the bar. He walked on autopilot, his feet moving automatically as his mind turned to the happiest he’d ever been in Alex’s company. He knew that feeling would not be repeated today.

\----  
_“Will you marry me?”_

_Before him, Alex was kneeling against the plush carpets in the restaurant they were eating in. They had just enjoyed a steak dinner with a bottle of chilled wine to share. The fancy location sparked an interest in Chris’ mind as it unusual for the two of them to visit such venues but he was genuinely surprised when Alex had risen from the table, moving to the side before crouching on the floor. From within his trouser pocket, he had produced a little black box that he opened to reveal a thin silver band, holding it forwards and presenting it to Chris. One hand had lifted to cover the perfect ‘O’ shape his mouth had formed while he nodded, his eyes now shining with unshed tears. With a huge smile on his face, Alex took the ring from the box and slid it onto Chris’ finger, the metal moving with ease over the slender skin. He shifted closer to Chris, throwing his arms around the brunette, his face nuzzling into Chris’ shoulder. They were met with a cheer from the rest of the diners, altering the couple to the eyes that were waiting in anticipation for Chris’ reply. With a content smile on his face, Chris’ hands rested on Alex’s back in their first embrace engaged._

\--------

Opening the door to the bar, Chris was met with an overwhelming scent of alcohol and stale sweat. There were bodies milling around the bar but Chris’ eyes were drawn to one in particular. One body was sat hunched over a table, his red wispy hair curling around his face. On his body rested a maroon jumper, taught against his muscular frame. From this angle, Alex hadn’t changed a bit and Chris had to take a moment to pause in his walking. For a moment, he considered turning around and just leaving but before he could make a decision, Alex turned around and brown met blue. Now, Chris could see the same exhaustion he was experiencing mirrored in Alex’s face. There was the bloodshot eyes, the pale skin, the tired bags under his eyes. And Chris could see how Alex’s face had thinned, his cheekbones and chin now more prominent. It pained Chris to see Alex like this but he deserved it.

Awkwardly, Chris made his way through the sea of bodies until he stood before Alex, unsure of what to do: should he go in for a hug? A handshake? Say nothing? His questions were answered for him as Alex rose from his seat, his hands moving to slide around Chris’ body as he pulled the brunette into a hug. When he pulled back, Chris slid into the chair opposite the redhead. There were a few moments of silence before Alex spoke,

“I got your usual, hope that’s alright.” Alex gestured to the glass containing a small measure of whiskey before sliding it across the table towards Chris. The brunette was met with a sudden wave of emotions at Alex having remembered the drink he normally ordered when they went out. He nodded his head, not trusting himself to speak, letting Alex continue with the conversation, “It’s good to see you again Chris, how have you been?”

“Good.” Chris began as he forced a smile on his face, not wanting to confess to his awful state. But it was the warmth in the blue eyes before him that stopped the smile, replacing with a frown as he spoke truthfully, “Like shit, I’ve been a wreck since you left.”

“Really?” Alex queried before continuing, “Me too, leaving you was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

“Then why did you do it?” Chris asked, it was a situation he’d pondered many a time over the six months but never once could he understand how Alex had walked away from everything they’d built together. They started their relationship in their last years of school, continuing it into their early twenties and despite urges to get close to someone else, he had never been able to do so. He was loyal to Alex. But Alex wasn’t and Chris wanted to know why.

“I-I…” Alex started, trying to stall for time as he thought about how to word his answer, “I wish I hadn’t, I was stupid. That guy was nothing compared to you Chris, I left him after just a couple of weeks.”

Chris looked up at Alex from behind tear-stained eyelashes, he was surprised to hear such news, Ross never having revealed anything. When Alex had left, he told Chris he’d been in love with another man but clearly that not been true. Alex had thrown it all away, and what for? Absolutely nothing, “Y-You did?” He stuttered, unsure as to why Alex was sharing this information.

“Yeah, he wasn’t you Chris. I wanted to tell you, I wanted to come running back to you but I couldn’t.”

“Why not?” He was surprised to hear such news.

“You left. I didn’t know where you went, Ross wouldn’t tell me so I had no idea where you were until recently. But when I saw pictures of you, you always looked so happy and I thought you were doing alright without me…”

“That was just fake, I was drowning inside and I still am.”

Alex nodded sadly, “I realise that now, I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to find you Chris, I should have just called you.”

“I wish you had Alex, I really do.” Chris reached across the table, his hand hovering lightly over Alex’s, “But at least you’re here now.” As the corners of Alex’s mouth lifted into a smile, Chris entwined their fingers together, enjoying the way their hands fit perfectly together as if there had been no time separating them.

“Do you - Do you forgive me?” Alex asked with nerves evident in his voice as he awaited a response.

Chris leant across the table, one hand sliding to the back of Alex’s head as his fingers tangled themselves in the soft hair. He smiled as he placed his lips against Alex’s, enjoying the taste of chocolate he had longed for for so long. Despite the six months apart, they moved in unison, their bodies fitting perfectly together as they found themselves once again embraced. It was exactly as Chris remembered, as if his nightly dreams were finally becoming a reality. This was Alex. His Alex. The same one he had been pining for, longing for, wishing for. And now he was finally back. And this time, Chris wasn’t going to let him walk out. And something about the way tears were falling from Alex’s eyes, the normally composed man showing emotional vulnerability, made Chris realise that Alex wasn’t going to leave anytime soon. With his lungs gasping for oxygen, Chris pulled backwards where he leant against Alex with their foreheads touching. He had a genuinely happy smile upon his face, the first in six months as he whispered quietly, not wanting to disturb the serenity of the moment, “I hope that answers your question...”


End file.
